Im back chuckleheads with a doozy

After the long hiatus I am back. I just saw an animal that I knew I had to come out of retirement for. This animal was requested on twitter multiple times and is usually a fan fave. However, You guys kno how much I love being different than the normal fag animal reviewer. So imma look at this really common animal with a very salty lens. You may have guessed the animal by now and yes it is in fact the Red Lipped Batfish.

Species: O. darwini

Overall appearance:

You gotta be fuckin with me. 

Like thats like that picture with the shark with human teeth right?*(Source at bottom)

what fuckin horny 6th grader drew this and imagined fuckin this

Like legit earth is crazy like fuck what

Of course looks like a coral reef hooker

Looks like it could a whole eel like wtf

Looks like it can blow some mean bubbles if you are picking up what im putting down

Looks like it could give you crabs like get it

Has lipstick but still less hot than porpoises

The joan rivers of the rivers

5/25 5 points cuz it reminds me that if god exist he is a jokester

Strength:

Carries this secret shnozz from its selfies

carries tho two baby testes under its nose

Jesus i hate lookin at this hickey machine

you dont have be strong to be underwater like some people think.

Like goldfish are under water and theyre weak

1/25 id like to see try to pick up a pencil

Survival:

Somehow survived the AIDS epidemic of the 80s

Is not endangered cuz itll fuck whoever has most sanddollars

predators stay away cuz it looks like a swimming version of a scab

10/25

('Sayonara folks!'- Bugs Bunny)

Overall Likeability:

Besides this picture there are no redeeming qualities

The only redeeming quality is that the reader of this is reminded that they were not put on this earth to look like a gag gift you find at the army navy store

I wish i stepped in this at the beach

15/25

31/100

(When it hears it got a fucking F)

So yea im back in business my lovely fuckbois. Expect them whenever.
****

The Porpoise

Today I will be reviewing the porpoise

Phocoenidae

 

Overall Appearance:

I love it.

Its the goddamn Mary Kate and Ashley of the sea.

Adorable as shit.

Has human teeth so a little weird. (Little weird = -1)

So damn cute for a huge grey sea cow.

24/25

Strength:

Can carry these roses to me when i am sad. +10

Its plaseantly plump but shakes it like shes <100 lbs.

Could protect me from thugs on a rainy night.

does not have fists (-2 = no fists)

Survival:

Are becoming somewhat endangered.

I guess you can say its PORPOISE in life is to mate!

HHSHAHAHAHAHSHAHHSHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OH MY FUCKING GOD IM HILARIOUSHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

-------> (You right now reading the blog)

IT GETS A goddamn 100/100!!!!! 

The Monkfish

This week I will be reviewing the Monkfish:

Lophius

Overall appearance:
GAHHH What the fuck is that? 
Disgusting. 
Its goddamn disgusting and terrifying.
I cannot give it any points.
I dont like lookin at it.
0/25

Strength:
Its also a dumb fish.
Probably can't lift a dumbbell.
I cannot see this thing bench more than 50.
Has the teeth of a baby that tried to eat a belt sander.
Fish can't do anything.
0/25

Survival:
No predator wants to eat that.
But no fish are gonna get close to it either.
I dont know how they mate.
Imagine those two fish going at it.
Thats gross.
0/25

Overall Likability:
No i dont like it.
I really don't like it.
I hate it.
It looks like that thing when ellen degenerous was like a fish and she poked it.
Then ellen degenerous and orangefish had to run away from it cuz it was really scary.
Then blue ellen degenerous and martin found that little kid.
0/25

0/100..... Im dead serious with this grade. I look at it and get a headache/sore throat.


The secret to grading animals (The Secret)