Im back chuckleheads with a doozy

After the long hiatus I am back. I just saw an animal that I knew I had to come out of retirement for. This animal was requested on twitter multiple times and is usually a fan fave. However, You guys kno how much I love being different than the normal fag animal reviewer. So imma look at this really common animal with a very salty lens. You may have guessed the animal by now and yes it is in fact the Red Lipped Batfish.

Species: O. darwini

Overall appearance:

You gotta be fuckin with me. 

Like thats like that picture with the shark with human teeth right?*(Source at bottom)

what fuckin horny 6th grader drew this and imagined fuckin this

Like legit earth is crazy like fuck what

Of course looks like a coral reef hooker

Looks like it could a whole eel like wtf

Looks like it can blow some mean bubbles if you are picking up what im putting down

Looks like it could give you crabs like get it

Has lipstick but still less hot than porpoises

The joan rivers of the rivers

5/25 5 points cuz it reminds me that if god exist he is a jokester

Strength:

Carries this secret shnozz from its selfies

carries tho two baby testes under its nose

Jesus i hate lookin at this hickey machine

you dont have be strong to be underwater like some people think.

Like goldfish are under water and theyre weak

1/25 id like to see try to pick up a pencil

Survival:

Somehow survived the AIDS epidemic of the 80s

Is not endangered cuz itll fuck whoever has most sanddollars

predators stay away cuz it looks like a swimming version of a scab

10/25

('Sayonara folks!'- Bugs Bunny)

Overall Likeability:

Besides this picture there are no redeeming qualities

The only redeeming quality is that the reader of this is reminded that they were not put on this earth to look like a gag gift you find at the army navy store

I wish i stepped in this at the beach

15/25

31/100

(When it hears it got a fucking F)

So yea im back in business my lovely fuckbois. Expect them whenever.
****

The Porpoise

Today I will be reviewing the porpoise

Phocoenidae

 

Overall Appearance:

I love it.

Its the goddamn Mary Kate and Ashley of the sea.

Adorable as shit.

Has human teeth so a little weird. (Little weird = -1)

So damn cute for a huge grey sea cow.

24/25

Strength:

Can carry these roses to me when i am sad. +10

Its plaseantly plump but shakes it like shes <100 lbs.

Could protect me from thugs on a rainy night.

does not have fists (-2 = no fists)

Survival:

Are becoming somewhat endangered.

I guess you can say its PORPOISE in life is to mate!

HHSHAHAHAHAHSHAHHSHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OH MY FUCKING GOD IM HILARIOUSHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

-------> (You right now reading the blog)

IT GETS A goddamn 100/100!!!!! 

The Monkfish

This week I will be reviewing the Monkfish:

Lophius

Overall appearance:
GAHHH What the fuck is that? 
Disgusting. 
Its goddamn disgusting and terrifying.
I cannot give it any points.
I dont like lookin at it.
0/25

Strength:
Its also a dumb fish.
Probably can't lift a dumbbell.
I cannot see this thing bench more than 50.
Has the teeth of a baby that tried to eat a belt sander.
Fish can't do anything.
0/25

Survival:
No predator wants to eat that.
But no fish are gonna get close to it either.
I dont know how they mate.
Imagine those two fish going at it.
Thats gross.
0/25

Overall Likability:
No i dont like it.
I really don't like it.
I hate it.
It looks like that thing when ellen degenerous was like a fish and she poked it.
Then ellen degenerous and orangefish had to run away from it cuz it was really scary.
Then blue ellen degenerous and martin found that little kid.
0/25

0/100..... Im dead serious with this grade. I look at it and get a headache/sore throat.


The secret to grading animals (The Secret)

The Proboscis Monkey

This week I will be reviewing the proboscis monkey:
Nasalis larvatus


Overall appearance:
Just look at that nose.
It has a kinda human face so its really creepy.
Its got like a neck plume of hair.
Its fugly af.
3/25

Strength:
Has to carry that shlong on its face. +5
Can climb from trees.
I wouldnt fight it because it would probably hurt or something.
Can probably rip my face off and wear it.
It eats noses and claims them as its own.
20/25

Survival:
They honk to communicate.
They look like they would honk.
Most do not mate out of embarassment of their faces.
They are endangered so thats good.
5/25

Overall Likability:
They look like this dog's butt wearing a wig and glasses.
I really don't like em.
They make me feel uncomfortable.
If I was gonna pick any ape i'd pick an orangatang.
We all know it looks disgusting.
Thats an animal that no one would visit at the zoo.
5/25

Overall appearance:5
Strength: 20
Survival:5
Likability: 5
Total: 35/100

35/100. I am not being mean. God wants this thing to die out. RIP in pieces.


CHRISTMAS EDITION!!!!!!
SPEED ROUND
Reindeer get like a 70/100
Partridges get like a 41/100
Penguins get like a 92/100

The Platypus

This week i will be reviewing the platypus.
Ornithorhynchus anatinus


Overall Appearance:
Pretty dumb.
This is what happens when a duck sleeps with a beaver.
If it could talk it would say "Killl meeeee!"
Its got stubby webbed sausage fingers,
It is the Garbage Pail Kid of the animal world.
5/25

Strength:
They got enough strength to carry that dumbass bill around all day.
Has to carry the weight of being the laughing stock of both the bird and rodent families.
Has the strength to get up in the morning even though they see themselves in the mirror.
Can dig holes.
20/25

Survival:
Can live for 17 years.
They can seriously shoot venom.
Like I just looked it up on wikipedia.
I had no idea that these idiotic abominations could do something cool.
I gotta give the dummies some extra credit. (+15)
32/25

Overall Likability:
They can sometimes look cute i guess.
I actually hated the show Phineas and Ferb so its not getting any points form that cartoon,
Overall kind of like seeing an ugly baby.
You can say it does cute things and acts adorable.
But its still ugly.
10/25


Overall appearance:5
Strength: 20
Survival:32
Likability: 10
Total: 67/100

67 a D+. Yeah i see it. Plus if the idiot didnt shoot venom it'd get like a 0.

The Aardvark

This week I'll be reviewing the Aardvark.
Orycteropus afer
'
Overall Appearance:
Aardvarks look like very annoying kids wearing glasses and mom jeans.
They wear a white collered undershirt in order to attract a mate.
However, they are so unattractive and lame.
They use their yellow coats in order to hide at school from Mr.Ratburn.
They wear sneakers but can't even run.
14/25

Strength:
One time he punched his sister during a thunderstorm. +10
It looked like she flung across the driveway.
Aardvarks usually learn a lesson about friendship instead of using their human-like fists.
20/25

Survival:
The aardvark learned how to live without electricity when there was a blackout in Elwood City.+5
He needs glasses to see so thats like pretty lame. (Pretty Lame = -2)
In captivity they can live up to 23 years.
17/25


Overall Likability:
I really enjoyed the aardvark show when i was little.
How do his glasses stay on his head?
His ears are on the top of his head.
Why do they own Pal if everyone is an animal?
Like Binky is like a bulldog or something.
Why is Pal like a real dog?
Its like a slave
10/25

Overall appearance:14
Strength: 20
Survival:17
Likability: 10
Total: 61/100

61. D-. Yeah that makes sense i mean look at him.

The absolute definition of below average.