The Porpoise

Today I will be reviewing the porpoise

Phocoenidae

 

Overall Appearance:

I love it.

Its the goddamn Mary Kate and Ashley of the sea.

Adorable as shit.

Has human teeth so a little weird. (Little weird = -1)

So damn cute for a huge grey sea cow.

24/25

Strength:

Can carry these roses to me when i am sad. +10

Its plaseantly plump but shakes it like shes <100 lbs.

Could protect me from thugs on a rainy night.

does not have fists (-2 = no fists)

Survival:

Are becoming somewhat endangered.

I guess you can say its PORPOISE in life is to mate!

HHSHAHAHAHAHSHAHHSHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OH MY FUCKING GOD IM HILARIOUSHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

-------> (You right now reading the blog)

IT GETS A goddamn 100/100!!!!! 

The Monkfish

This week I will be reviewing the Monkfish:

Lophius

Overall appearance:
GAHHH What the fuck is that? 
Disgusting. 
Its goddamn disgusting and terrifying.
I cannot give it any points.
I dont like lookin at it.
0/25

Strength:
Its also a dumb fish.
Probably can't lift a dumbbell.
I cannot see this thing bench more than 50.
Has the teeth of a baby that tried to eat a belt sander.
Fish can't do anything.
0/25

Survival:
No predator wants to eat that.
But no fish are gonna get close to it either.
I dont know how they mate.
Imagine those two fish going at it.
Thats gross.
0/25

Overall Likability:
No i dont like it.
I really don't like it.
I hate it.
It looks like that thing when ellen degenerous was like a fish and she poked it.
Then ellen degenerous and orangefish had to run away from it cuz it was really scary.
Then blue ellen degenerous and martin found that little kid.
0/25

0/100..... Im dead serious with this grade. I look at it and get a headache/sore throat.


The secret to grading animals (The Secret)

The Proboscis Monkey

This week I will be reviewing the proboscis monkey:
Nasalis larvatus


Overall appearance:
Just look at that nose.
It has a kinda human face so its really creepy.
Its got like a neck plume of hair.
Its fugly af.
3/25

Strength:
Has to carry that shlong on its face. +5
Can climb from trees.
I wouldnt fight it because it would probably hurt or something.
Can probably rip my face off and wear it.
It eats noses and claims them as its own.
20/25

Survival:
They honk to communicate.
They look like they would honk.
Most do not mate out of embarassment of their faces.
They are endangered so thats good.
5/25

Overall Likability:
They look like this dog's butt wearing a wig and glasses.
I really don't like em.
They make me feel uncomfortable.
If I was gonna pick any ape i'd pick an orangatang.
We all know it looks disgusting.
Thats an animal that no one would visit at the zoo.
5/25

Overall appearance:5
Strength: 20
Survival:5
Likability: 5
Total: 35/100

35/100. I am not being mean. God wants this thing to die out. RIP in pieces.


CHRISTMAS EDITION!!!!!!
SPEED ROUND
Reindeer get like a 70/100
Partridges get like a 41/100
Penguins get like a 92/100

The Platypus

This week i will be reviewing the platypus.
Ornithorhynchus anatinus


Overall Appearance:
Pretty dumb.
This is what happens when a duck sleeps with a beaver.
If it could talk it would say "Killl meeeee!"
Its got stubby webbed sausage fingers,
It is the Garbage Pail Kid of the animal world.
5/25

Strength:
They got enough strength to carry that dumbass bill around all day.
Has to carry the weight of being the laughing stock of both the bird and rodent families.
Has the strength to get up in the morning even though they see themselves in the mirror.
Can dig holes.
20/25

Survival:
Can live for 17 years.
They can seriously shoot venom.
Like I just looked it up on wikipedia.
I had no idea that these idiotic abominations could do something cool.
I gotta give the dummies some extra credit. (+15)
32/25

Overall Likability:
They can sometimes look cute i guess.
I actually hated the show Phineas and Ferb so its not getting any points form that cartoon,
Overall kind of like seeing an ugly baby.
You can say it does cute things and acts adorable.
But its still ugly.
10/25


Overall appearance:5
Strength: 20
Survival:32
Likability: 10
Total: 67/100

67 a D+. Yeah i see it. Plus if the idiot didnt shoot venom it'd get like a 0.

The Aardvark

This week I'll be reviewing the Aardvark.
Orycteropus afer
'
Overall Appearance:
Aardvarks look like very annoying kids wearing glasses and mom jeans.
They wear a white collered undershirt in order to attract a mate.
However, they are so unattractive and lame.
They use their yellow coats in order to hide at school from Mr.Ratburn.
They wear sneakers but can't even run.
14/25

Strength:
One time he punched his sister during a thunderstorm. +10
It looked like she flung across the driveway.
Aardvarks usually learn a lesson about friendship instead of using their human-like fists.
20/25

Survival:
The aardvark learned how to live without electricity when there was a blackout in Elwood City.+5
He needs glasses to see so thats like pretty lame. (Pretty Lame = -2)
In captivity they can live up to 23 years.
17/25


Overall Likability:
I really enjoyed the aardvark show when i was little.
How do his glasses stay on his head?
His ears are on the top of his head.
Why do they own Pal if everyone is an animal?
Like Binky is like a bulldog or something.
Why is Pal like a real dog?
Its like a slave
10/25

Overall appearance:14
Strength: 20
Survival:17
Likability: 10
Total: 61/100

61. D-. Yeah that makes sense i mean look at him.

The absolute definition of below average.

The Groundhog

For my first review I am choosing the groundhog.
Marmota monax

Overall appearance:
It has the body type of a pear mixed with a 40 year old man.
Its arms are stubby and its face cannot decide which rodent it wants to be.
I feel like this is the only picture where it does not look like a overweight rat beast.
It is basically a useless otter.
However, some of them have cool tails so thats + 2.
12/25

'
Strength:
They are stronger than the average rodent, but that is not saying much.
They are very good at digging holes.
Even though they look like hairy circles groundhogs can actually climb trees to look for more food.
Its very short arms are more powerful than they appear.
20/25 (for a rodent)

Survival:
The average lifespan for a groundhog is only 2-3 years in the wild.(Not good)
I do not grade animals on their lifespan in captivity.(Which is like 9-14 years)
They are amazing at burrowing which can be a lifesaving tactic.
They hibernate which allows them to live through winters easily.
Weak against cats according to Antonio.
Antonio actually has said that there is currently a groundhog vs cat war in his back yard.
13/25

Likability:
I am usually not fond of rodents.
I will admit some are cute but most look like fat rats with little ears.
I would not want one as a pet nor would I want to pet it.
A groundhog once ruined my yard during the summer and ruined my mom's flowers from Lowes.
I have no love for groundhogs.
I actually cry when it is groundhogs day.
2/25

Overall appearance:12
Strength: 20
Survival:13
Likability: 2
Total: 47/100

An F. Not even an F+. It deserves nothing better. Just look at it. Disgusting.